Widowhood - Losing a Spouse

After years together, it seems as if you can't possibly continue on without your partner. How can you pick up the pieces of your life and begin again by yourself?

It is quite natural to think that it would be preferable to “to go first” – before one’s partner – because we all have seen the grief of widowed friends and family members.

A Common Myth About Widowhood
Research on bereavement offers encouraging news for older adults unsure of a future without their spouse. Losing a spouse is one of the most stressful events a person can experience.

A recent study suggests that widows/widowers are resilient; most recover from the loss of a spouse within 18 months and return to their normal levels of mental and physical health.(recent studies from the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research (ISR)

The research also calls into question the widespread belief that the sudden death of a spouse is more difficult for the surviving member of the couple than a long-anticipated death, finding that for older men, especially, the sudden death of their wives is actually easier to handle psychologically than a lingering illness.

The Thing To Remember Is That You Are Not Alone
It is almost impossible to find a person of any age who has not lost a loved one – there are multitudes have gone through a similar experience.

Eventually, everyone who is married will lose their mate. Small comfort, but true. It is what choices you make afterwards that determines whether widowhood is the ‘end’ or the beginning of another life stage that can be fruitful and positive.

Being Left Behind
You can react – you don’t have to be a stoic and suppress the feelings that arise when you lose your life’s partner. It is good to mourn and have tears.

Yes, you can be angry – it is a normal response – it only becomes problematic when that anger determines all subsequent reaction and behaviour. Bitterness and hostility are self-destructive and do not ease the pain of loss.

Guilt – yes there can be that there too – it is a common experience and normal. After a spouse/partner is gone, it is the most natural thing in the world to remember something we neglected.

We must absolve guilt, even if we are guilty. Guilt can be deadly and destroy peace of mind.

Never hold back from consulting a grief counsellor, a friend or your God about these feelings in order to put the feelings in context.

Of course, loneliness will become present as you will miss someone who has been a constant in your life. It is another basic emotion that we must deal with if life is to continue in a fruitful and positive manner.

Keep busy Fill your days with worthwhile activities. Often married life is so busy we don’t always have time to keep up with other family members and friends – so use the “new time” to renew friendships and spend more time with grandchildren – fun time that you and they decide upon – and not being just an involuntary babysitter.

Get involved in community affairs, volunteer to do charitable work, take a trip. Are there study courses you always dreamed about doing? Academic or just hobby level?

Set goals and keep them.

Count your blessings, not your troubles. If you are religious, turn to your faith and what it teaches.

Last but not least: create happiness for others. Laugh, sing, joke, encourage others, be positive. Make yourself a joy to be around because you are lifting the other people to a higher level.

This will help achieve that most necessary state – acceptance. Phases of grief are natural and acceptance takes a long time for most people. While it can't be rushed, but neither can it be delayed too long.

Avoid using artificial means for relief, comfort or distraction: alcohol, tobacco and tranquilizing medications.

Ensure you maintain a healthy nutritious diet and get out with regular exercise – preferably with a friend/s.

Don’t allow yourself to become isolated – help others with chores, visit with good friends, go to a fun movie, take up bowls and so on. If you are a gardener – then explore how to be more creative.

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